Losing Myself

How do you lose yourself, so wholly, so completely and not even realize it? How do you become a shell of who you thought you were. How do you not even see it coming.

I would do anything for him. Hell, I do anything for him. I get up early so I can go to his house first thing in the morning. To wake him up. To take his dog out. To buy him a cold bev on the way to work. I talk to him all morning on Communicator. I go out for a smoke break. I walk home for lunch with him. I take his dog out. Yes, he makes a sandwich for me. I get his dog ready for couch time. Yes, I get to lay on his couch while he hangs out in the bathroom talking to whomever. I walk back to work with him. Sometimes buy him a cold bev on the way. But only if he needs a refill. If I'm out of pop it doesn't matter - we don't stop. I can just buy a 12 oz can at work - by myself. I talk to him all afternoon on Communicator. I go out for a smoke break. I walk home in the afternoon with him. I take his dog out. I walk back to work with him. Buy him a cold bev if he didn't need one after lunch. I talk to him the rest of the afternoon on Communicator. I leave whenever he's ready to leave work for the day. I walk home with him. I feed his dog while he gets changed to go up to the local bar. We hang out at the bar - this is fun. I buy his dinner - every night. Every. Night. I walk home with him. I take his dog out. We watch what he wants to watch on tv. Unless he has someone else he wants to come over for the evening - then I go home. I wait for him to text me so I can keep him company even if I'm not over. But only if he texts me. If he has someone over he'll ignore my texts. God forbid I don't respond right away - I'll get "??" "Bust?". But I'm expected to just accept his silence. I help him clean his apartment. Do his dishes, empty the pop/beer cans, dust (and get yelled at that I'm not doing it right), break down boxes. I do this even when I know it's to prepare for some girl coming over. I play with his dog to wear her out. Even when I know it's to prepare for some girl coming over. I come over on the weekends. Just cause he wants company. I cause fights with my husband to get me out of the house. I don't hang out with my husband so I can hang out with him. I pick up items at the grocery store for him so he doesn't have to go all the time. Even though if I ask him to go with me because I want company he'll say no. I buy him lunches even though he rarely buys for me. When he's on call I make sure I'm around so that if he has too much to drink, I can drive him to the data center if need be. When his girlfriend broke up with him, I made myself available to him. I spent all my free time with him. I comforted him. I listened to him. I was there for him. When his fuck buddy fucked him over, I made myself available to him. I spent all my free time with him. I comforted him. I listened to him. I helped him spy on her. I was there for him. The one time I really needed to come over after a fight with my husband, he told me that he had a girl over (most likely the girl that fucked him over) and that he wished he could be there for me. I drove him to fucking Des Moines, IA to look at a car - and back home. And then I drove him back to fucking Des Moines, IA to buy the car - and followed him back home. I listen to every idea he has and encourage him - even though I couldn't give a fuck. I don't care about fucking classic cars or stocks or tickets or laptops or coupons. I don't want to open a fucking bar. I just want to see him happy and see him excited about something. So I listen.

WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM????? Who am I? How did I become this person? Someone that would do anything for someone and yet gets NOTHING in return. Oh, he thinks he gives me something I'm sure. Yes, I enjoy his friendship and companionship. But FUCK. How can he just take and take and take from me? And why do I accept it? Why am I ok being at someone's beck and call? And if I'm going to be at someone's beck and call, why isn't it my husbands?

How can you hate someone so completely yet love them so completely - all at the same time?

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